09/11/2024 - Peace and Love on Planet Earth

Starting to enter the holiday-rush time of the year at work. A lot more customers and things to do on the side. So far I'm managing alright. Coworkers help me out and manager checks in regularly, so I don't feel like I'm left on my own too much. It's the busiest time of the year, but the people are overall nicer.

Went to see Heretic with a bestie yesterday. Very fun movie. She also got me a Jackie Taylor funko -- real sweet -- and a Christmas card because she's going to her parents for the holidays. Real lucky to have her. We've not known each other for relatively long, but I think that besides R (who I guess I shared a more personal bond with for a time), M is really the one friend I can talk with about anything and not feel like I need to watch any steps that could otherwise make me out to be weird, or something. I feel way less self-coscious in my talks with her, is what I'm saying.

In any case, she asked if I was maybe still up to cat-sit her kitty because that one can't come along with her on travel, and the other option of a volunteer lowkey cancelled or was otherwise occupied. I'm really looking forward to it because this is such a tiny lil creecher, and it's a good way to practice and see if I really want a cat of my own.

I'm also looking at adding some things to this site. In particular an antiquity-focused page, and I'm tinkering at a review sub-page for that which I may also use for other parts of the main site (such as the basement). Prospect on the internet connection is still nebulous. The date from the provider is set on mid-Febuary, but I haven't heard anything yet from the installation company that first needs to put the cable in.
T.B.C.

08/11/2024 - Hey!

Balancing the whole election thing in my mind. At times I think about it a lot, and then again a little. So far I'm keeping hope in the aging process (cough) and that on local levels a lot of good things happened, all things considered. I'm not directly influenced by it, of course, but I had a really good talk with someone who's been following every election since Clinton's, if I remember correctly. We discussed how the effects of the result tend to blow over and it could be a prophesy for what the political future might look like over here, but who knows. A far-right government was elected last year, and the only liberal/centrist coalition parties are doing fuck all to "keep things in check". At least we got multiple parties, an opposition, and ministers that kinda love their job more than the party they're affiliated with.

I think overall, there's more people have in common than they think. Divide and conquer is a saying for a reason, and there's enough that shows it can be halted. Retail isn't all fun, but sometimes it does proof to me again how little is needed to feel a good connection with someone. Kumbaya and compassion, yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't say I'm completely in the wrong there. I'm not asking of people to pal up with their worst enemy, but you gotta guilt those fuckers into feeling bad about their vote by showing that their imaginary threat is bogus.
Confront friends and family that try to nuance with the worst part of what they voted for, but do it kindly. Make people aware that their actions have consequences, and gently shove them in a better direction.

But, again, I don't know much. Stuff may swing again and swing again and again and again. There's always actions and reactions that prompt more. It sucks, but it's kind of the nature of the world these days. I'm trying not to get too up in my head about it.

Living is still going good at the new place. My parents are gonna come over to paint the walls for my birthday later this month, and then I'll host the book club here. I'm eating well, I'm sleeping well, and the only thing to fix sorta soon is the somewhat-clogged kitchen sink. My landlord seems alright; I can send him the receipt for any unclogging chemicals I may purchase. Other than that I'm still chipping paint and doing some small clean-up here and there to get those finishing touches. I like it here.

02/11/2024 - Tis Autumn

Settling in is going smoothely. Despite some small things, it's really nice to have my own space and be able to do my own thing without there being anyone around me or getting annoyed by others (audibly) in my space. The dad upstairs has his kids over for the holiday and they are stomping around, but it's not too much and at least I can be sure that they stop at a certain time in the day.

Basically, I'm feeling very in my spot, in my person, and quite productive without the stress that I had before. I'm writing, drawing, doing some home-improvement, and it's going good. I'm picking up a lot of things and it feels less like a distraction and more like something I can actually divide my focus on.
Not so good news on that front is that my mom lost her job. Her workplace had to file for bankruptcy and she has to leave it after a good 30 years of working there. We'll be fine, both me and my brother are self-sufficient financiallly, and my dad works as well, but she was mostly hit by the sudden change of it all. Someone from her painting course offered her something already, though, so we all have faith that it'll be alright.

Other than that, my good friend is back in town and we are hanging out a lot these days. The workplace is nice in atmosphere again, and the outside is coloring along with it. Global shit aside, I'm good with my place in the world at the moment.

Internet is still on rations. Sadly no basement for the time being.

13/10/2024 - Home Sweet Home

I have officially moved in! At time of writing I've been in my new place for a good week, and have been enjoying it very much. I dare say it's been a great improvement upon my (mental)well-being, since I have all the peace and quiet I've been craving for so long. I've talked with my neighbor a little bit, but we know each other through work, so all that's good. Around me are still people, mostly audible from above me, but to a much lesser degree than I used to have in my old building. The rent is double what I paid, but I get a lot for it in return, in my opinion.

A list of things:

There's so many about, it's insane. A neighbor on the same entry as me has two (a full-black one and a patchy white-black), and the black kitty already snuck inside on the last day of moving when we took stuff to the trailer. It got under my bed and we had to poke it out from under there, but it was still the sweetest when we met it again outside. I've gotten some sweets for it, and I'll open the front-front door to give it one when it's there but so it still can't get into our personal parts of the place.

The only big thing that still needs fixing is the internet connection. That's not included in the rent, and the previous tenant cancelled it when she moved out, but we should hopefully be getting something next week or soon after. The future provider sent an emergency data package of 100GB that's acting as wifi now, so at least I can comfortably browse and upload stuff, but I'm hesitant to stream movies on it. Hence why the basement series is on hold for the time being. I'm not sure if I can still do a movie before the month is over.

But in general, I am super happy with where I am. Things feel more relaxed, and the minor things that still need to be done are either not a rush or easy to fix. Hope this can be a space to find something of myself and work on that again.

22/09/2024 - Lazy Sunday

I got the day off today. Usually I work half a day on Sundays. The reason is some miscommunication; I actually had to get the day off for an event that turned out happening last week. Still, I can make good use out of it, even though it's already 3PM and I haven't done much to be honest. Next week I'll be getting the key to my new place from the current tenant. It's very exciting, and with each day I look forward to it. The Friday after will be the official moving there, and from there it's getting small things in order. I'll have two weeks free from work to fill that up with. It's a nice prospect.

In other news, while searching for furniture to put in the extra space I'll be having, I'm also trying to get a better rhythm in place for other life stuff. A new place feels like a fresh start at this whole adult life, and I do want to take better care of myself. Making my own meals more often, doing a little workout each day, cleaning... It's gonna need some work but I feel like at least there I'll have the privacy to try it out as much as I need to. Getting a cat won't happen for a while, though.

The one thing I need to figure out with my neighbor there is the internet and a vacuum cleaner. The current tenant had those, and though they shared, it's on her bill so it makes sense that we gotta find a solution for ourselves. I know them well enough, so I don't expect any weird things there, haha.
Now my days are mostly filled with dragging stuff to the goodwil, and otherwise the trash. It's satisfying to clean up, so I really should do more of it, maybe...

12/09/2024 - Days Going By

More things happening in life!
First and foremost, I can't really believe still that I'll be getting the key to my new place in about two weeks. It's crazy how fast these things can suddenly go. I'm getting rid of some stuff that piled up over the years in my current dorm -- mostly books -- and will be heading to the Goodwill-equivalent in my town to drop off some vinyls and other deco stuff I won't be taking with me. My closet I still have to sort out. Later tomorrow I'll be heading back to my parents for the weekend. I think I can bring along a bigger bag with things I may want to leave with them, and bring back a suitcase for the next time I'll make a round trip. All measures to save me packing up more things.

I also made a little bit of a layout design for the new living area I'll have access to. The current tenant doesn't have a desk area, and that is something I really do need. I've come up with something that should work, and it semi-resembles the way my desk and couch situation is currently organized. More shelves will be involved, though. It's fun to come up with these things, but ideas are one thing, and realizing them is another.

Some sad news today, too. Uncle-coworker is taking an immediate leave for a few weeks -- maybe longer -- to really try and catch his breath. He didn't share details, nor do I want him too, but I'm gonna miss chatting with him at our desk. It's not an easy decision on his part, either, but I think he waited for the current manager we have on our store now because that is someone he really trusts with picking this up as it needs to. I really hope he gets to a place where he feels good again.

27/08/2024 - Developments! Good and Bad

Okay so! First and foremost, I'll be moving in October! The date is somewhat set. Current tenant gets the keys in late September so I'll probably be able to go into her place somehwere in early October once she's moved out. It's sooner than some of the people on the construction's reddit expected, but a very pleasant surprise. Here's to hoping it'll got much smoother than before all this.

In the other news, last week old pal I met through work interpreted some things I said as more than it was, and I responded to that clear but hard via mail. Today he came by, and though the conversation went better than expected, it showed to me a side of him, and through that confirmed some things.
A concern I had put in the mail to him was based on past experiences, and he never mentioned or went into that, even when I brought it up in our in-person talk. So much for being a self-proclaimed progressive. He was more petty to me than in any other convo we had before this, which would be filled with compliments. Naive young me, but thus we learn. I'm already glad his frustration didn't show itself in more physical ways.

For now I'm gonna focus on the approaching move. A new spot in my life, and very likely one with much improvement.

Anyway, look at my friend's cute kitten!

10/08/2024 - A Serenity

I'm not really a zen kind of person. Something with the chronic high blood-pressure and the inability for my mind to really stop thinking about things. Nonetheless, I feel like currently -- today and maybe some days before today -- I've been feeling very at place in the world. It helps that a really good friend is home in town again. We're gonna hang out next Wednesday to eat pizza and watch movies. It's been a rough few weeks for her and some restless ones for me, unrelated to each other. I've got cooking plans today; some lady snagged the last bag of cockles right in front of me in line at the market, but I'm not letting it ruin my day. It saved me money and I might get something nice for it in return at dinner.
I guess the running theme is that I don't have to worry too much about my future. It causes unneeded stress, and whatever happens will happen. Not in a predestination kind of way, but more in the "you can't do much about something that can't be avoided". I just keep on not fucking up on the short-term, and hope that will be good in the long run.

Sorta related to all this: I've been listening to Mort Garson! You might know him from the great "Mother Earth's Plantasia" album from 1976. It's great chill synth work. I like it on the train and I like it doing chores. For a more experimental experience I can also recommend his 1968 album "The Wozard of Iz". Funky tunes that guy made.

In terms of Great Life Experiences: I've met another friend in real life that I first met online. This has happened twice now this year, and both have been great and hard to leave behind after the day was done, but I hope to have many such more already. There's something wonderful about seeing someone's face for the first time and yet quickly getting into the same dynamic as on whatever platform we started talking on. It's great.

01/08/2024 - Musings on influence

So my moving-out time will probably be delayed a bit. The current tenant got an email about the connection to the electricity network taking longer than it should, and went by to double-check and saw more stuff that looked delayed. The only slight trouble will be going to her landlord with the request that the starting date for my tenantship is gonna be later, but it sucks on the whole that there's no concrete date to put on paper yet. Either way, she could promise that I can move in this year, since she's also on the list for another building due to finish construction.

It got me thinking a lot about influence, blame, responsibility, etc. This thing is not something I can do anything about, nor she, nor probably the construction company. A whole list of factors is present that keep the blame from going to one person that makes the cartoonishly evil decision to delay housing (in this case, at least).
There's nothing any of us can do to make the best of it, and I found it a very nice thing to keep in mind when looking at other issues in my area, be they small or larger. Sometimes there's nothing you can do because of not being around, not having the means, being the victim of pure bad luck and coincidence.
A lot of life tends to happen that way. The only thing I gotta shake off is the nagging impatience that follows me, like I'll die before the year is over and won't get to enjoy something. But that's greedy desire talking, and it shouldn't dictate how I live my life.

04/07/2024 - Pre-Natal Nostalgia

Spent a lovely day in town with a good friend. Catching up, walking around, and buying something at the vintage store that opened up across from my work.
Very nice. I got a tape-deck + radio combo (Aristona Radiorecorder model 7371). Luck had it that the record fair was in town so I could get some cassettes to try it out with (Wham! and Tori Amos).

The unfortunate part is that the tape-playing part of the thing doesn't seem to work. The radio sounds as clear as could be, so I'm not sure if it's lack of experience on my part, or the machine.
I contacted a friendly person I know through work if he might know how to fix it. My parents couldn't offer much help, and kinda told me to return it to either get it fixed or the 35 euros back, but I think that's an okay price for at least a cool-looking and working radio.

To be continued. If the thing can't get fixed, I might get a portable tape player.

16/06/2024 - Kitty Kitty Kitty

Contract about signed for the new place. Kitties spotted in window.

Life is okay.

01/06/2024 - Hole

Okay! So I might actually be moving soon!
I've been very lucky there, but to have it within reach, just a little space that is truly my own, really is something I'm excited about. The landlord -- though a landlord -- shouldn't be too weird, from what I heard, and just the spot and the space and the whole overall feels so nice.

It's still a long way off (about two months) but... wow.

In other news, I've been cleaning this place up as well. More pages up and running, and though there are days where I feel like doing completely nothing, I still end up getting somewhere with new or current projects. Nothing to stress me out, and I like to keep it that way for the time being until the waters get a bit easier. I feel like I've been connecting more with friends recently than just mindlessly putting stuff out there, so that's a development!

P.S. -- The letter I sent in the previous entry got return-sendered. I half-expected it, but still a bit oof.

02/05/2024 - Time and Space things

Today the record/vinyl market was in town again. I like to walk across it, not to really buy a lot, but sometimes you find some fun things. Like this time: an unknown record (couldn't find the songs/band on streaming) for €12,-. It was by a group called "Workshop" and for a second album very aptly titled "Welcome back to the Workshop". The sleeve picture did it for me, and the songs looked fun enough.
So I come home and put it on, and find some sheets of paper hidden in the sleeve (see aside).

We'll see how this goes! I'm already super happy to have find something like this.

P.S. A video of a recording session for this album.
There's no actual audio, but some beeps from the recording itself.

20/04/2024 - Who is this space for?

Primary reason for this little ramble is that I encountered a website that at first glance seemed cool (fun design, had a good comment on that whole f+f thing a few days ago) but turned out to be a radfem place... To say I was disappointed is an understatement, a deep-dive with friends revealed the muck that lay in the deeper crevices of this sites book reviews (big yikes!)
Maybe the true disappointment was felt at how "popular" this site seemed to be, if popularity is even a thing here. Nontheless, when browsing sites in the Last Updated section of Neocities, I am now a bit more wary of who I follow on first glance. Women of the Internet turned out to be a radfem nest, and those badges have passed by a number of times.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this. Maybe that my site is definitely not for those folks. Not that I can fence this off and keep them out, exactly, but yeah. In general it seems a bit wild to me the lengths that some of these people go to defend their whole thing. Mostly by throwing around terms like "internet purity culture" and some variation of "warning: I post stuff that others find offensive but I don't care :p". Like...

Again, not entirely sure what the point of this is. Terfs are here, as they are everywhere. Thankfully their pride/ego makes it easy to spot them, as well as their tendency to be absolute tar pits.

This space is for me, and hopefully it can be a lil spot of respite for others.

21/03/2024 - Days spent at home

I have two days off from work in the week. I don't call it a weekend because it's not really that; I got one day off, work another, and then am free once again. It's alright, and it hasn't tired me out or anything (yet), but I can't really feel like I have time off sometimes, if you know what I mean?
Anyway, right now most of my Thursdays are spent sitting in my room the whole day. I do open the window, thank you very much, but there's not really anything I do outside unless it's Saturday. I want to change that, but it's gonna take a hot minutes for it to really become a habit, I think.

In somewhat related news: I am going to my parents again for a day soon. With my schedule being as it is I don't really have a lot of time to spend there. I like seeing my brother, though he sticks to his room most of the time. My mom has the habit of setting up something fun to do, and my dad is really a coin flip on that front. He's watched Breaking Bad recently, so we can talk about that.
But mostly I feel like I have to choose between that and visiting my grandparents for a cup of tea or something. We had a family dinner recently and it was one of those moments where I feel like I just don't connect to the other people there, except for my grandmother. Even my cousin can feel like someone I still don't have a connection to, despite all the things we share.

There's not another me in the world, which can certainly be explained as a good thing, but sometimes I wish I had someone in my life already to who I could tell all the things that I want to talk about, and not just have a person(s) for each of my facets.

07/03/2024 - Hello Hello

So this was first a placeholder, but what the hell, let's turn it into the real deal. I don't know exactly what the purpose of this page will be. Not exactly a daily journal thing -- I already got one of those with actual paper -- and it's not like post my deepest, most personal feelings and info online. Point is that sometimes I like the impression that I can put something out there without it being on a public social platform. The thing is that if you're here, and you're reading this, then you sought this website out and this page specifically, so you probably care somewhat about my rambling.

Also, funfact, I am somewhat of a lonely person. Not that I don't have friends. I do, and they're great, but anonimity is somewhat nice and also I've never really been someone who's felt comfortable sharing things with others. One thing about me that has always been true is that I am the most open and honest with total strangers. A very sensible explanation for this being that they have 0 judgement, and I most likely don't have to worry about ever seeing them again. Most of the time there is little reaction, but recently I have had some good moments at work with customers. An older man (2, actually now that I think about it) said he liked me but not in a creepy way, if you know what I mean. And I like that! I like being a mundane NPC who will stick with you because of the little things. I like my job, and at the moment I am content with my life as it is. The existential dread has been avoided for a while, and I hope that will last a bit longer.

On the other end of things is that I know I can do better in other places. Nothing major, mostly quality-life-improvements or becoming a better person (tm) in general. I have been reading a bit more, and have been able to voice my thoughts more coherently on some subjects. That's all very nice, but a bit weird to experience in your 20s. Part of me thinks that I'm lagging behind on others, and then I meet someone who could be considered "further behind", if that is ever an appropriate descriptor. I've concluded my studies and already had the plan to take some time to think about what I really want to do. Not that this is well-received everywhere, but so far I have the feeling that it is working. I'm having fun, I'm doing new things and re-discovering old passions, and, yeah, I love being here.

This is another project on that list. We'll see where it leads me.